Q: Why is it dangerous to be with a bad boy?
A: Well, they're unreliable. They don't feel an obligation to have a relationship. It's important to understand that when a woman has sex, she releases oxytocin and bonds with her partner. Oxytocin is called the "snuggle chemical." It triggers orgasm, but it's also released when a mother breast-feeds. It makes you feel close and connected and vulnerable. The effects of oxytocin are offset by testosterone, so a high-testosterone person doesn't bond from having sex. And there you have it: Bad boys don't get attached! They say all these wonderful things, and you get this chemical rush that lowers your defenses. But he could be gone the next day. He could lose interest.
Q: Do bad boys ever change, or is that just what we want to believe?
A: Most don't change. When they get old, then they're with somebody who has clout because of youth and beauty. Look at Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta–Jones. She has youth and beauty; he has power and status.
Q: What about bad boys who give inconsistent signals? Bad boys who snuggle?
A: If you want a rat to push a bar forever, don't give him a pellet every time he pushes—then he'll only push when he's hungry. If you take away the pellet, he won’t push the bar at all. But if every now and then you give a rat a pellet, he will push the bar forever. It's called intermittent reinforcement. That’s the way to get a woman forever; throw her a little tidbit every now and then.
Q: What about bad girls? Do you think that that's as much of a phenomenon?
A: Oh yes, there are bad girls. They’re usually very attractive women who feel entitled. They're used to getting everything, and they know how to work a crowd.
Q: Is it important to break the bad boy habit?
A: I think you should monitor it. There's this illusion, especially for young women, that there will always be men available. And the problem is, the more you go through the revolving door of infatuation, the less powerful it is. You build up a tolerance to it. If you're going to get a good guy, then you better be watching earlier in life. Don't waste your eggs! Because it's easy to overlook someone when you’re wired to be attracted to bad boys. And if you sit around, waiting for someone to knock your socks off like that first love, then you’re going to wait a long time.
Q: Is there a way to create bad boy excitement with a good guy?
A: I always say: It’s easier to make a good man hard than to make a hard man good. Friendship gets a relationship to go the distance. Women will say, "I love him, but I’m not in love with him." Or, "He doesn’t stimulate me.” And I say, "You have to have a life that does that." If you want excitement, then get a good guy and create an exciting life.