How To Make Long-Distance Love Work
Make your bond strong enough to weather the distance.
Researchers at the now-defunct Media Lab Europe in Dublin, Ireland, developed a prototype aiming to create that same perception of togetherness using "radio frequency identification" technology to network furniture (no, that's not a typo). For instance, you might be sitting in your living room, and an image of a coffee cup would suddenly appear on your coffee table, alerting you that your partner was enjoying his morning coffee. One of the lead researchers, Dipak Patel, who also works for British Telecom, hopes to pick the project up again soon. Although it might sound a little bizarre—and there are some inevitable privacy complications—the basic awareness of your partner's "presence" might help maintain the intimacy that's so important.
Of course, there will never be a real substitute for living in the same place as your significant other. And I'd be remiss if I didn't disclose the fact that, after my return, Andy and I had several discussions about space—namely, that in the three months I was gone, he'd developed the habit of sleeping spread-eagle, taking up the whole damn bed. But in the end, living apart allowed us to expand ourselves by adapting who we are as a couple. It may not be matching red-leather pants, but that's my kind of marriage.
Discussion
I went on a student trip to Australia with other teens my age this summer. Towards the end, it clicked that I liked this guy-I had a friend ask him if he liked me back, and he told him I liked him, too.
Sooo, we go home to our separate timezones [he's three hours behind] with each other's email, and since July, we've IMed whenever possible. It was usually every night until school started for him, then we waited till the weekends. I'm sad our relationship started so late, but since we've been home it's been...awesome. As in, it's very much grown.
We plan to go back to Sydney when we're older. Just us.
I really can't wait.
I'm in a LDR - temporarily. Me and my boyfriend met at school and we'd hang out together every single day. But now I'm studying in Singapore for a semester! So we're doing the whole long-distance thing...it's totally different. But it's working! Though the 15-hour time difference was a little tough to deal with we figured it out and talk every day :D Can't wait to go back!
I don't know how some couples manage to be in a LDR for as much as a year. I wouldn't start anything knowing it would be long-distance for so long. It's just not natural.
I was in a LDR for like 2 years. I met him on myspace when I lived in my hometown, it said he lived there too, but actually when I talkedto him he was in Virginia he was in the Navy. We talked off and on and then about a year after we started talking we met when he was on vaction from the navy and We kissed that night and he gave me butterflies. he was the 2nd guy to ever be able to do that to me. I was shaking. Well He had only 8 more months in the navy, till he was going to get out. SO I waited for him, at that time we were actually bf and gf. Then I get a call saying they need him to stay longer on he was going to fly in on the weekend and we were thinking to get married so i could be in Cali with him. But he ended up getting out.ANd he came home and it was awesome and i was sooo in love. but idk what happened. and we broke up for 14 months. and within the last 6 months we have been talking and within the last month we got real close. last weekend i saw him and it was 7 months. and I actually ended up meeting his parnets and I was soo nervous. but it was a good sucess. and Im so in love and he says he is in love with me. but he says im such a pretty girl and doesnt understand y i am wih him. he is filipino and I am white. I think he is sexi to me! I have never really been attracted to my own race. I have nothing against it. but now i live in houston and we live 4 hours from each other. I am going to try to visit 1-2 a month. he now works at a prision and works hard and I just want to make life easier on him. i told him i missed him today and he was likey, what is so special about me. and i sd "when i sd i loved you, i meant it" and he sd he loves me to! he is almos 27 and i am 23 and I can say i want to marry him and give me as many kids as he wants which is 5. but I always sd I only wanted 1. but when ur soooo in love it doesnt matter. can someone help me thru this hard time?
I was in an LDR for a very long time. I am in Washington state and he is in Texas, I loved this man for so long and very very much, i still do. But it got to the point where I felt like all his promises were fairytales and I just couldn't take it anymore so I left, I am with someone now and we lve together and I love him very much but I still sometimes ache for my ex in Texas.
Honestly, the last kind of relationship I ever thought I'd be in, is an LDR. Well, I am now, and as much happiness as he brings me, it's very hard. People say that it's not any harder than a "local" relationship, but really, I think it is.
My relationship is with, imho, the most wonderful man in the world. He lives in Australia, and I in the US. He is "the one", ever how cliche that may sound, he really is. Maybe it's different for me since we are in our 30's, I'm not really sure. I do know, that being older, it makes me want it even more; I'm way more motivated to get to him. I've decided that if I need to pack up and move, that I will without a question.
We don't have as many opportunities to do video calls as I would like; I do have 2 children from a previous marriage, and of course, they take up a chunk of time. Also, the time difference is insane. At 2:30 am my time, he's having his dinner and getting ready for bed.
Ok ok, so this isn't what I really wanted my comment to be, but I just wanted everyone to know, that if you really want a person enough, the two of you will work it out. I don't know how people remain separated for years on end, and only see each other once or twice a year, but kudos to you. I've decided not to sit around and just let the relationship go to the dogs...gotta make a plan!
Good luck to all in the same boat as I.
Hey Cjayc,
Thanks for the encouragement. My man is also in Australia. Needless to say I don't get a lot of sleep due to the insane time difference...lol. I am grateful for Skype. We are both deeply committed to making it work. I am going to visit in September and if it works out I hope to get a travel nursing job over there. We both have agreed on one thing for sure: we cannot do this indefinitely! Thanks for sharing. Good luck to you too.
Long distance relationships can work. I was doing long distance for 2+ years before my boyfriend and I lived in the same city. We are still together! It can be tough, but keep talking and keep trusting :)
www.coupledtogether.com has a great blog with more advice for couples doing long distance.
I am just starting a new relationship with someone that I met online (through an acquaintance). He lives a 3-hour drive from me....so not only are we dealing with the challenges of a new relationship, but we have the LDR thing happening on top of everything else.
BUT...I strongly believe that LDRs CAN work, as long as both partners are willing to do what it takes to MAKE them work.
my husband and I were in a LDR for 2 years before we got married. we're still in LDR now..he's in US and i'm in Asia. We've been married 4 years and have a 2 yr. old baby..thing is, LDR is not that hard if you both have the same level of commitment to your relationship. use technology to your advantage..communication shouldnt be a problem, neither is intimacy. Go get a webcam;)
LDR...i met this guy at our acting workshop here in the philippines. this guy came from canada. we became good friends. oh by the way im 14 and he's 22. do you think our relatioship will last? we're planning to move in together. i know im young and many peoply says that it won't work because you're too young and he's too old. you have many things to learn and blah blah blah..i just hope that in the end it's still us...he wants us to go on our seperate ways for now because we have to wait for 4 years...i just feel bad about it..this is the first time i fell in love with a guy..i just hope he feels the same way too..we talk to each other everyday...distance matters to him because he won't be seeing me for 4 years...he said he just wants me to be happy. he knows that im happy this way...im scared..i feel so alone..its not that im being clingy or so i just need him..i just miss this guy so much...he doesn't even know how bad i want to see him...but you know, there's one thing im asking for...i just hope that we're still together in the end.
I am in an LDR.
A lot of my friends expect it to fail, though they know him and like him. (He was a japanese student in my californian school. I spoke his language for years, and met him just to use it, but...lol)
Our Year is today, actually...or, rather, tomorrow for me, today for him. (He's back in japan.)
We were only next to each other in deep relationship wise for the first two months. I am finally going to see him again in summer...but it's hard. Smallest things remind me of the fun we had, during our friendship of eight months AND our true relationship.
He's everything to me.
And it's surprising his family and friends are positive about us, while all my family and friends say, "It won't work". It's heartbreaking, really, 'cause if they only knew...
I think LDR's can work. Just need to work on it too.
I like what this married couple did.
Good Job =]
Could a LDR possibly work for someone in New York and for someone in Sydney?
Well,i want to share also my LDR....Im from ASIA and fallen in love in turkish guy.I met him online and spend time to know each other[using webcam].everytime i spoke to him,he make me smile,happy, and special.and after few days he became my bf until now..I know LDR is very difficult because if you want to hug him,to kiss him,you cant do that because we are living in different countries,Actually long distance relationship help us to find the true meaning of love, and i want to say i really love him although we are not same religion,traditions,cultures and language,I know its not easy to meet him in personal but im always hoping,that someday i can see him and hold him tight.I dont know what will happen to my LDR but if ever he not become my future husband or never see him in personal,i promise i will keep all of his memories to my heart and mind forever....and never regret because iam very glad to met him although in internet...and i believe that the distance relationship is only test to become strong,,,,,so to those u had LDR gudluck,
I am in love with a EU guy, met online and we chat daily - have had 4 long visits over the year. He has changed my life and though I want marriage some day, if we don't get married I'll never regret this year of romance.
Wow. This article is extremly reassuring. Im am currently in a LDR and i will admit, it does get pretty rough at times, where I feel as if I could just run to where he is and just drag him over here. He lives in mexico and I live here in the US. When I first met him there was just so much about him that made me feel crazy about him. We were together in Mexico for about 3 days, but it felt as if I had known him all my life. He made me laugh, he made me feel soo many wonderful things; things that I never thought I could feel. Weve been in this relationship for only 3 months now, but I have learned so much from him. He has made me a better person, I can tell him anything. I knew his mom all my life and I didnt realize it. Each time Id go to mexico, he was always in the US because he was making money to send back home. And this time we met; it was kinda funny though. Because neither one of us expected it; and its true when people say ITS THE UNEXPECTED THAT CHANGES YOUR LIFE. I am only 16 years old, and I really do love this guy. His name is Dimas Cortes and some day in the future he is going to be my husband, the father of my children; etc. I miss him soo much and Im hopinh he comes over here soon. Id do anything to be able to spend just 5 minutes with him.. If any of you have advice PLEASE send me and E-mail, this gets hard, and I havent really met anyone who understands
rawritsdaizy419@aol.com
I recently came out of an LDR that lasted over two years. We met online. I thought she was local due to a problem with the dating site's search engine, and decided to stay "friends" when we realized that we lived 1/2 way around the world. I'm in NJ, and she's in Asia.
Within one or two months we were chatting and calling each other on a daily basis, later multiple times per day.
I can't quite describe the feeling that I had when I first met her in person 3 months later. It was a mix of anxiousness, nervousness, love, and awe. It was love at first sight for someone that I had already come to love. I've never had such a feeling meeting anyone in my life, and doubt I ever will again.
We agreed to see each other online daily (using webcam), and at least once per quarter in person. We spent all of our vacation time together.
I came to realize, however, after the 5th or 6th trip, that we were not as compatible as we once thought. While we seemed perfect for each other online and over the phone, we had problems and fought almost every time we were together in person. It was as if we were each seeing two different people.
The fact is, without close contact it is really hard to gauge whether or not the person you believe is your soul-mate is actually the right one. While neither of us changed our personalities, or mis-represented ourselves online, there were enough differences in our habits and customs that made staying together extremely difficult.
After a few months of very difficult talks, we have agreed to call off the relationship. Do I regret the past two years, definately not. I loved her more than anyone else that I have ever been with. The sad fact remains, however, love does not always conquer all. International LDR's eventually require someone to relocate for the two to get together. Many people in LDRs end up getting married to bring their "partner" to the US, but they do not always work out.
Where am I now? 4 months after the break-up with my LDR partner we're still friends. We email each other about once per week to see how the other is doing. We're both going out and enjoying life with our "local" friends, but neither of us are in relationships.
Would I do it again, yes. Even if I knew back then what I know today I would still go ahead with an LDR. It is an experience like no other, and who knows, given some changes in both of us, maybe the two of us will find ourselves together again someday.
Good luck to all of you in LDRs.
I love reading articles about LDR's. It reassures me that these feelings aren't going to get me into any trouble. It's hard being friends with people that live far away from you let alone being in a relationship with them. But I think that as long as you love them, trust them, everything will be fine. You've got to believe that everything will work out. I do, and it gets me through the days when I feel so lonely and just want to cry. He helps as best as he can, telling me that I'm always with him, always in his heart. It helps me immensly to know that he feels the same. I know that it's tough but I wouldn't give it up for the world.
I am currently single, but I have a special friend that would like to be involved in a serious relationship. We met 3 years ago, and have always been close. He is a trucker from the South and I live in the North. He has told me that he will be buying a truck and starting his own company soon and he wanted to settle down and spend time with me. The problem with that is, he wants to move back to Florida and I live in Northern VA. I just moved here almost one year ago and my oldest son will be graduating in May, but I still have two other teens. Myself and my teens are tired of moving and I want to be stable for awhile. My daughter will be out of high school in two years and my youngest son in 4 years. My friend want to move back to Florida to be closer to his grandparents (whom raised him) because he want to make sure they are taken care of. I honestly don't have a problem with him doing that, and I've commended him for be so caring and compassionate. I know that he and his granparents are extremely close and it's very important to be there for them and to let them know that he loves them. I moved North because my family is here and the job market is alot better; he doesn't like the North because of the winter weather and the traffic. He told me that he loves me and he believe I am the one God has called to be his wife. I don't know, but I do know that I love him as well, but I'm not IN LOVE with him. He's a little rough around the edges and I can be stubborn as hell; so sometimes we have big disagreements, but we always re-group and come together again. SMILE.... He is definitely a hard worker and a good man at heart; but I'm not ready to consider moving to the South by the summer of 2008; however there is a good thing that could come out of moving to Florida. My oldest daughter resides in Florida and I would love to be closer to her, but the jobs there aren't the best paying jobs in the world. Perhaps I will search the internet and see what's available. Also I've been divorced for 4 years and he's never been married. He is several years younger than I am and he's really excited about having a family to come home to because he's tired of driving on the road constantly. He travel for weeks at a time. The last time he and I attempted to be in a LDR, it didn't work. He didn't want to be in a LDR. When I asked him what makes it so different this time, his response was he want me in his life and he was willing to try it again. He said that he doesn't want to be with anyone else. We have been pretty honest with one another about our feelings and about seeing other people. I think it could work, but it would definitely require ALOT of PATIENCE, LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, TRUST, FAITH and ENDURANCE. I'm a little torn about this, so if any of you have any suggestions, please share them with me.
I agree with this article mostly. I have been in LDR for 4 years now. We live in the same state and city, but he is in the army, so he has been gone about 3 years out of those 4 years. He has been deployed once for 18 months, 2004 till July 2005, he just came back for 3 months and he was called back again, so he is deployed now again. Has been gone for 9 months, so as you can see majority of our relationship has been spent in LDR. As you all know it is hard, first days and months have been just unbearable, I would cry myself to sleep, cry everytime I mention his name. Everytime I hear somebody has been hurt or dead my heart stops beating. Only way we can communicate is by email or by letters, and sometimes in 4-5 months he will get to call for 5 min. In this type of LDR you need patience, strength, really big love, trust, support, and know what you want, and stick by him if he is really what you want, cuz he needs you to be there for him, he needs your support, your love, to get through all the though times that he is going through. I Love him and I would wait for him forever, and be there for him, cuz he loves me and he has been there for me, when I needed him, and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you my soldier.
Thank you so much for the article. I can identify with so much written here as I have been in a relationship for the last year and half and thought some of the emotions I was feeling were unique. It is good to know that the three stages of emotions you go through in an LDR have been noted and I'm the only one going through it. This article helps and gives an extra bit of support to keep working at my relationship. Thank you!!
Thank you for this publication. I'm in Nigeria and my man in Maryland USA. We have been in a LDR for many months. He actually proposed to be while we were chatting online, i love him so much and can't imagine being with someone else. I believe it's gonn work. i just believe so.To everyone in a LDR, I wish you all the best.
This is for the girl whose boyfriend is in Australia. Mine is only a little closer, in Switzerland. We've been together four and a half years. It's only two flights and a six hour difference for me, but he's the one and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else, no matter how close he lives. Don't let anyone tell you that a long distance relationship can't work.
The article was great... however, with LDR.. I think requires more effort in trust.... since when a person is closeby, you spend more time with them than when a person is farther away, due to obvious challengefactor of geographical distance. With LDRs, I think there are more opportunities for a person to stray,due to physical absence of the other person. There definitely needs to more trust and faith in LDR, I think, since there are less opportunities for the couple to get together. For example, a couple living closeby who spends weekends with each other, versus a couple on opposite coasts who can only see each other every few months. Therefore, those who are in LDR and can actually make it work , more kudos to them for the extra committment needed.
i used to be on the road a lot which is like a mini-LDR. since people seem to be posting tips...we used Instant Messenger in addition to phoning. If you have internet access and have to be working anyway, it's a great way to "talk" and get other stuff done as well. it was a good way to check in about our days and chat and catch up about some of the "mundane" stuff that really isn't mundane; how our days went, how the cats were, how our friends were doing, that sort of thing.
We also planned phone dates for a specific time of night, usually when I was taking a bath after working so I would feel relaxed and nice when chatting. My husband also would try and call and "tuck me in" when he could, right before I went to bed.
Having a long date before I left, just the two of us always helps along with a long conversation about our expectations and what things are on our mind about being away from each other (yes, including fear of cheating etc. - you have to be extremely communicative and honest with LDRs just as you would if you had an open relationship or any other type of atypical relationship). It seems to help have a clearing of the air before splitting up for a long period of time.
And yes, presents and cards hidden in luggage don't seem to hurt either.
LDR's also stands for " Lovers Do Recover" from the geographically undesirable challenges "if" the partners have a strong sense of self, desire, faith commitment and trust, and I say this if they do or do not last. Because, let's face it, LDR's have a reputation for being pretty damn exciting and as many joke about .... "the day to day IS OVER-RATED" and that's why these sort of relationships are popular! So, let's appreciate how great they can be and "if" they develop into something lasting, more power to them and to us !! I know people who have made them work and I believe they can work. All relationships have obstacles and this LDR thing is just another one! Lucky for me my guy thrives on obstacles! He LOVES a challenge..The bigger the better! For us, we believe that the time we have known each other has been extremely nurturing and comforting and FUN! Of course, we have our teary goodbye's. My separation anxiety starts the day before we even part!! AND, we definately have our "edgies" about 2 weeks before we see each other again. I have been seeing my lover, best friend and soulmate for 18 months now. We are 1000 miles apart. He lives in California and I live in Colorado. This man is part of my "Soul family." Soul family goes deeper than blood sometimes. They are a blessing and if you are lucky to feel this close with your family AND have an extended Soul Family...you are wealthy, indeed. We met on a blind date arranged by his friend and my mother who are friends and they plotted and schemed to get us together for a lunch date Christmas Day 2004. We met the next day because I was resistant to call him. Explaining why is a whole nuther story! I went to please my Mom. He went to please my Mom..whom he had met previously a few years before. We knew immediately that we had a bond. We support each other daily and share the mundane and the deeply intimate and several taboo subjects. We are taking important risks that we may not have taken so soon if we spent more constant time together in the beginning of our courtship. Sometimes the feeling of separation that is created by a phone gives me the courage to talk about things I might not be ready to talk about in person. I think that has been a benefit for us and helped to bring us closer. Our creed is 'not to control' each other in this relationship. We are there for each other because we want to be. We manage our separations with a nightly and sometimes daily chat. He had no cell phone for the first year - so our time to connect was limited. Then we did a business deal together and doing business with someone without a cell phone of fax makes timely critical decisions and signatures a grooling nightmare. But, we survived it with humor. We have a very strong physical chemistry and our physical separations are challenging and often bring on the "edgies" as mentioned earlier, but we manage this hardship with an extremely healthy and playful sexual approach to phone sex at least once a month to help re-kindle the sexually intimate time we spend in person. I loved this article and sent it to my boyfriend. If he sees my post, it will be another creative way for us to be in communication and keep things interesting! My LDR advice based on my personal experience is to share as much daily as you can daily, stay involved with each other's daily lives to keep the connection strong and always have a time planned to meet again to help the separation time pass quickly. We start counting down 14 days before we see each other again. We see each other once every 4-6 weeks for 4 days. Hey, you know, It was my mother who told me about Tango magazine and sent me the link after watching the Today Show!! Mom's know stuff.. I guess we should listen to them once in awhile!!
My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for 4 years....and he's Australian, so all of you who are at least in the same time zone, I don't want to hear it! It takes me a minimum of 3 flights and usually a solid 24 hours to see him. We met in the US and have gone back and forth ever since. The longest we've been apart without seeing each other is 8 months, and it was painful. Over that period of time, we kind of drifted away in our own little worlds. It wasn't until we saw each other again that we realized why we were putting ourselves through such torture! He is worth it. We want to be together and I know we will, but the timing hasn't quite matched up yet.
I have definitely been though some of the stages described in the article. After spending the past year in grad school in Australia, our relationship has grown even more. We lived together for several months and it's always very strange to return home and go back to lving in my parents house. I'm 25 but I haven't stayed in the country long enough the past few years to settle down and find my own place!
I completely agree with several of the comments, especially the one about having trust, patience, and independence. The first year was tough, always wondering who he was hanging out with, if he would cheat, etc. because we didn't know each other all that well and I had never met his friends or family in Australia. Once I spent quality time with his friends and experienced his lifestyle there, there was no doubt in my mind that I could trust him completely. I spent too many nights overanalyzing the situation...Patience is huge. There are no guarantees that LDRs will work out, but in my case, I know in the end it will be worth it. Looking back, a few years apart will seem insignificant to a lifetime together. As far as independence goes, when we are in the same city, we are very much a "we" couple and are inseparable. And although it takes time, I pick up and move on when we go our separate ways. I think it is important to be independent so that when you are apart, you don't sit and dwell over how much you miss your partner. You have to have interests, activities, and people that don't always involve your partner. Having great friends and keeping busy is the way i survive, but I still make time to talk to my bf every day, even if it means waking up early to call him before he goes to sleep (the 14 hour time difference gets confusing).
Anyway, I never would have guessed I'd be in a LDR of such great distance for so long...but if you love the person enough and can't imagine your future without him/her in it, then you do your best with what you have until you can finally be together.
I read the article after seeing the Today Show segment. Excellent article and very well written. This day in age long distance relationships are more common. It was great to read about the writers emotional experience being so far away and in a newlywed situation.
My GF's mom sent this to her and she forwarded it to me. This has shed an extreme amount of light on the dynamics of our LDR. We are currently 2days broken up as well as living in separate cities but I do not feel so alone and I have a confident hope for us. I thank the writer and everyone who left a comment. My Blessings go to all of you. It can be done.
The article and comments are very iteresting and helpful but as I am in an LDR for about 3 months and we live 3,000 miles apart. We've been talking on the phone alot in the beginning, we are still planning to meet in person for the first time in a month. There is chemistry between us on the phone, the real test will be when we meet. Our conversations were very much strong in the beginnin0g but lately calls aren't as often and I am feeling very distant from him. He has a high pressure position so I take that in to account and excuse our lack of calls that way. We are very fond of each other and have professed our love for each other but his communications skills towards me is not like before, it seems that after the chase it's like no mystery is there. I need other people's insight on this. We do plan on meeting but I am wondering if it will be a fruitless effort if there is communication lacking at this time? Thank you for the article.
Although I didn't read all the comments, in the ones I read not one person mentioned the wonderful means of staying in contact with that special person. This is MSN which can be found on Hotmail.com. It's for free and you can speak together and see each other via a webcam. For those who do not know this system, it's worth checking out.
interesting but not enough detail. i am starting a LDR and more detail pertainung to trust, intimacy, travel time, planning, and the emotional- sexual anticipation would not only have been informative but also entertaining. i think the article also should've had more detail about the ups and downs.
I have been in a ldr for 5 months and am slowly adjusting to my single life as well as my couple life when we see each other. I met my soulmate on match.com while we both lived in CO. I am actually the one who hepled him find a dream job far away in Vermont. This is where he belongs careerwise for a least a year to two years. i have two teenage daughters that live with me exclusively and have a commitment to them until they graduate. So, one comment I want to share with you is that it is so important to have a plan how often and when you will see that person. You also need to have a "big picture" game plan so you both are clear about how your path together looks for the future.
Trust is key as is good commuinication. We tend to write a lot of emails as talking on the phone is not always easy due to the 2 hour time change between us. He also does not get any cell phone service on the estate where he lives. I never thought my heart could take the longing and missing of having that special person not around but we keep focusing on our next visit. We make sure we tell one another how much we both love each other in daily emails or cards. It might also be that I have been divorced for several years and have had other boyfriends, and he has had two wives as well as other girlfriends and at our ages- me 52 he is 56- so when you finally meet that incredible person that lights up your life - you want to make it work.
This was a terrific article. My husband and I have been living this life for 16 years. He's in the Navy, and even when he's stationed where we live, he's not home often. The advice from the couple who've been doing this for 20 years is solid - for those of you who are new to LDR, it's a good message to print. I would add a couple of ingredients to their recipe:
Patience - nothing is forever. You will get through this. Honest.
Trust - if you don't trust the other, the paranoia can be overwhelming and kill your relationship before the other person ever sees it coming. Don't be blind to the truth, but be secure in who you are individually and together.
Independence - you must be strong in who you are and not base your entire identity on your significant other. It's your separateness that made you interesting to each other in the first place. Don't lose that as you grow as a couple.
Space - when you do get back together, respect the space of the other. Yes, you are competent and capable, but the other person needs to be needed, too. Let go of some of your control, and let the other person in. But understand if there is some hesitancy or insistence. Approach is everything. Respect the space, and welcome each other into it.
Love is not the same in a new relationship as it is in an established relationship. But an established relationship did not get that way overnight. It takes work - and fun, and understanding, and growing, and fighting, and making up, and listening, and learning. If you are new, know that you CAN get there from here. If you are not new, then you know that is was the trip that made it worth it.
Go ahead - feel the love.
I did not see the program on TV. I received an email from a man I met from Georgia on the internet originally. I flew there for Christmas and he came to Texas to visit me in Feb. We survived with emails and constant phone calls. I felt like I had to reach out and touch him every minute I could by phone. He has a problemwith when and where I use the phone.This has caused severe problems. I am not sure we will survive. We both have ties in our hometowns. I will give it another month to see if it works. He frequently says we are 1500 miles apart. A widower for 6 yrs and 7 months is frightening to say the least, to start over. He is the only one I have met in person and I don't want to start over. It takes time to get adjusted. There is a comfort zone with distance.Communication is absolutely better from LDR's
Thanks for posting other comments.
I like the Article... it gives hope to those who are having a LDR or those of us who are expecting to go to LDR stats. I hope to use some, if not all the ideas that were presented here to make it work with my Girlfriend. She will be moving away to go to school, for as long as 2yrs. We aren't very thrilled about the idea, but this gives us hope since we have been dating for a year. I'm excited that we have a chance. It's sad but good to know other people like us have to suffer the LDR.
Great article. It's nice to see the good stories that talk about real Long Distance Relationships - the ups and downs, the love, the committment, the difficulties faced. I am currenly living over 4000 miles from my boy friend and we try to see each other every 3 months. It is difficult but we are both in our 30s and have experienced past relationships that were unhappy and unhealthy. This time around, we try not to let the distance get to us or beat us, we work with it and around it. Many people do not understand, but what I am finding is that our level of communication is so much higher than I ever imagined was possible in a relationship, and regardless of the time difference, cost, and so on, we are happy and are going to make it work. I believe we will come out stronger and with a much greater appreciation for what a loving relationship is really supposed to be about.
Great article in that it provides those of us in LDR's the knowledge that we are not alone. For seven years my husband and I have maintained an LDR seeing each other on weekends or every other weekend. Admittedly, it has been hard for me- the one left at home. He goes to nice places, eats fab meals, and plays golf on wonderful courses. He also hits the hotel bars. He's tired when he returns home and feels it's time for him to connect with his friends. I feel neglected. Oh, the little notes tucked away as surprises--I've written some but have yet to see one. This is hard. Anonymous
Wow. This srikes home. i agree with the article that in the old days we all dated people from the same high school or town.If we ever met someone from another school it was at a football game or the roller rink! With Myspae, our kds are meetig other kids from across town.Now with internet dating we can meet someone from anywhere. Thats exactly what I did a couple months ago.(Atlanta/Sandiego) You really both have to be up front and open minded to anything that occurs in a LDR. No matter how much you like each other, the distance is always between you. Don't get too serious too fast-one day, one or both of you may come to your senses. Knowing the intentions of each other will most likely make it easier. Without intentions you are fighting an uphill battle.
When I found out about this article, I had so wished that I and my ex have read this months back. The article really documents most of what couples go through. I should have come across this before, maybe the relationship could have been saved.
When i saw this segment this morning on Today i was getting ready to go to work, and i had to stop to listen. I have been in a LDR for six months to date. I live in Atlanta he lives in New York, and i thought i was the only one on this planet having a LDR. Sometimes i appreciate the me time , and sometimes i miss him like crazy. Like everytihing else there are the pros and cons. I wish there were a guide to tell you how to make it work.
From personal experience, an essential component of an long-distance relationship is free internet phone service with webcams! Check out skype.com - forget regular phone calls that cost money and scratchy connections. It's free and you can see the person... Just a suggestion to make your relationship easier despite the distance.
I believe this article touched on many things that are happening in my life. I am in a LDR and have been in one for almost 6 months now. He in Mississippi and I in Florida. This is our second try at a relationship, this time much better than the first, I know what I want in my life now. I can defently relate to the sadness, the depression, and the "missing" part which are all described in this article. I met the man I am currntly dating on a Website over a year ago and I some how could never manage to let him go, I always enjoyed talking to him, even when we were both in other relationship. But thew faith I belive we are back together, and even though this LDR can be hard, I belive one day we will be together. Thank for the article! I enjoyed reading and I cant wait to see where my LDR takes me in the future!
This is a great article.. I'm not quite in a LDR yet, but it's coming. I just wish it touched upon more of a.. "what to prepare for.. what to talk about before it happens" appeal. However, all this wonderful advice hopefully will put my bf and I at ease for the months of absence from one another. We're both going to college.. he's staying instate.. west coast in az and i'm going to the east coast, near the boston area. It's nice to see everybody's input on their own LDR.
Great article! The follow up article should contain more tips and strategies for survival (I meant continuation) of the LDRs. "We" were apart from the start. We have been in a LDR for 3 1/2 years, we have been engaged for almost a year, and we have been friends for ten years. At our closest, we were a mere 2 hour drive away. Currently, we are a long 12 hours drive apart (OH to GA). I would not recommend LDR to my friends nor to my worst enemy. We have made it by faith, trust, and compromise. We can relate all too well to this article!
The article did a good job of providing an overview about some of the issues faced by couples in LDRs. Those of you interested in learning more though about what research has shown to help LDRs work should check out Dr. Guldner's book -- Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide.
Wonderfully written article. After seeing the segment on the Today show i had to read the article! I have been in a LDR for a little over a year now. I have never lived in the same area as my boyfriend but we have somehow made it work using many of the techniqyes mary talks about. Its true that i spend more time worrying about infidelity than it actually happens but i consider this one of the few downfalls. I really love him and we have truly learned to communicate. It also helps that we know in a year and half this long distance will be all over!!
Great Article. I feel like were somewhat of a normal couple. We have been in a LDR for almost two years. Although I'm only 237 miles away, and a four hour drive away from the love of my life. It's still hard at times not to be able to feel his touch. I beleive the distance make me want him even more and value every moment I get with him. We started dating about a year before I temporarily relocated myself. I had the opportunity to accept somewhat my dream job. I put a lot of thought into the descission to go, everyone told me including my love that it was an opportunity I could not pass up. I was thinking it would be the end of our relationship. I didn't want to lose this awsome person in my life over a job. I took the job and since then I think we have become even closer than ever before. Our scheduels are hard to manage, but we do it and mangage to get it together.I anticipate the day we can be together everyday and can wake up to each other every morning. With my education and experience I am confident I can get a job anywhere that life takes me. As I have told him in the past His presence in my life is much more important to me than a job. Right now I'm living a life a travel and opportunity for my career. When it's time I will give it up for the love of my life. With no regret. I know this LDR thing will work for us. It can only work with couples who have total trust, understanding and most important the love for each other. I wish nothing but the best for those couples who are in our situation. I love you love!
The article made mention of interconnectedness as an important component for all relationships, including long distance ones. I could not agree more. I was in a LDR for a while several years back, and one thing we did that maintained interconnectedness was to pick a day and document virtually everything (mundane stuff included) by photgraphs. We'd get the photographs developed and send them along with a card and/or a small gift. The gifts were often really simple. For instance, I love peanut butter, and my boyfriend at the time sent along peanut butter from the different countries in which he was travelling. I am preparing to enter another LDR with a different guy and am scared, apprehensive, and extraordinarily worried. However, having experienced a relationship which outlasted a period of long distance gives me hope.
Thank you so much for this article!!! My boyfriend and I recently began a LDR a little over 5 weeks ago. It is so difficult for me to deal with because I was the one being left behind. We've been together for a little over a year and we had the best time when he was here. Then he decided to move back to his hometown to "fill some void" in his life. I understand what he's going through and at the same time I don't because I am content going to college and doing things a student does but he is not in college and does not have the same work load I do. I think being in this LDR is difficult for us because we are both so young. I am almost 20 and he is 21. We're both so young and can experience all new things when we're apart. But to think of not having him to talk to everyday or to see every 3 to 4 months would crush me and everything I am. I believe that we can do this as long as we talk on a regular basis and see each other those few times a year. Being in an LDR is easily the most diffiult thing I've had to do but I am glad we're doing it because its going to bring us so much closer and it will force us to appreciate our time together. Thank you so much for this article, It has helped so much!!
I just wouldn't/couldn't think of not ever seeing or being with my SB (southern boy --from Atlanta) - even though - it is really tough sometimes - we are very connected! I look forward to the day that it's easier. There is nothing that can take the place of looking into someone's eyes, the human touch, smell, kiss or non-verbal communication. NOTHING!
NG
(northern girl - Philadelphia)
I love having had the opportunity to read the article and other people's feedback to it. I've been in a LDR for about 4 months now. I've had my share of ups and downs but so far, we've only gotten stronger because of it. I hate long distance relationships because yes, they are so hard at times when you would do absolutely anything just be in their arms again...but I also LOVE them because they have helped me and my boyfriend grow so much closer and have proved just how much we mean to each other. In response to some of the comments from people newly in long distance relationsips, they way I see it, if two people are meant to be together then they can make it work and overcome any distance. A solid base of trust is essential for LDRs. If you can truely and whole-heartedky trust your loved one, then there is no reason to be worried about infidelity or feelings changing. besides, if they were to fall in love with someone else or want to end things, then it simply wasn't meant to be and there is no point in trying to control something out of your hands. So, if you have a strong trusting relationship, in my opnion, long distance can only help strengthen the relationship.
I've been in LDR for 4 months now after four years of living together and I question the level of intimacy which can be sustained. I am finding that being the one left behind is quite difficult. I am maintaining the home, scheduling social activities, paying the bills and so forth. My other comes home for fun weekends, I deal with the day to day responsibilities. It's nice to hear that it can work, I think the key is constant communication and saying I'd rather be with you once in a while. I'm not convinced it's a good idea for any marrige that isn't rock solid.
I guess I must be the poster child of long distance relationships...my man and I have done it going on 7 years now! It works because were best friends for 29 years before the "real" relationship began, which meant we could skip the 'getting to know each other phase' and jump right into the 'how to you handle the romance from far away phase'. Some days I appreciate the independence; I can eat whatever and whenever I want, I can garden or golf all day if I want (my ex-husband resented that I even did those things), and if I want to leave my house a mess once in awhile, I CAN! I miss him most when I wake up alone, but on those mornings when I am there I appreciate every second. After this long you learn not to take anything for granted and we enjoy doing even everyday things like shopping or watching the news together. He is a treasure and being away from him makes me love him more every time I walk through the door after the long drive there. That old adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" must be true because while many couples are experiencing the "seven year itch" our passion level just keeps growing and growing!
I just found myself in a LDR for not even a month now. I'm worried about what will happen with my partner of 5 years. Will we last? Can I trust him? I heard them talk about it on TV just as we're texting on our cell phones from 1700 miles away! We'll be seeing each other in 2 weeks, but how long can that last? It won't be on a regular basis. Do we just wait and see? I'm glad to see there are so many different feelings out there!
My wife and I have been doing this for over 20 years. Heare are a few things we do to make this work.
Find time - Find time for just the two of you. This is while apart and together. Use what time you can to be with the other. That means when on the phone not watching TV or eatting. Be together at those times.
Cell phones - One of the greatest inventions for us to stay in contact while apart. Communications is the biggest thing to keep us together. Regular phones are great too and shopping for good phone rates is an important thing to look into. There can be hours spent on the phone so look for a high minute plan either way. Free minutes are a blessing.
Leave cards - Nothing is felt more than a loving card hidden in a suitcase or one received in the mail. My wife has saved all the cards I have ever mailed her. Love notes just stuck in a pocket at the last minute before leaving work the same way.
Make plans - This is a hard one for us because I am gone for unknown amounts of time. Plan for the times you are together. The hard part is always planning for leaving again. Just keep your time together as enjoyable as time allowes.
Little gifts - I find small neat things while I travel. I find the time to mail some to my loved one and then keep a special one for when I get back home to give her. She does the same except I have to wait till I get back because of my travels. These are small few dollar gifts, but they say I love you more than a great big gift would. It is these little things that add spice. I mailed my wife a menu off of a overseas flight last month. It was the talk of our phonecalls and even when I got home we talked about it even more. Once again it is the thought of sharing that is the gift but was alot for her.
I hope my hints for LDR's help a few of you out there. My wife and I have been doing this for over 20 years. It does work.
This is a great article! I have been in a LDR for almost 2 years. I live in Florida, she lives in Massachustetts. I am in sales and have the ability to work and travel, this allows me to make fairly frequent trips to spend time with my wonderful soulmate. I think the longets we have gone without seeing each other is 3 months. When we are apart we talk on the cell phone numerous times a day, we txt message frequently, we e-mail and we IM. When one of us is at a unique spot we txt pictures, or we will just txt pictures of each other so that we see what we are wearing that day.
We have been creative with LD date nights, going to the same movie at the same time and being on the cell phone with each other throughout the movie, whispering comments and hearing each other laugh at the same time, or sometimes a few seconds apart depending on how close the movies are running together. We get that feeling of being together and sharing the movie together. We usually pick a movie that won't be crowded so that our attempt to whisper to each other in the phone does not bother anyone.
We have also gone to restaurants together and chatted into the cellphone as we eat and order just as if we were sitting next to each other. Again we are careful to do this in a setting that does not bother others around us. Cordless headpieces are such a great invention!
I know she has a hard time when I leave after spending a long weekend or more together, but we both love each and we both are looking forward to when we will be together everyday which will be in just over a year now.
I have a hard time not being there when something happens an she struggles with something, but we both do our best to keep our sights on the future when we will be together.
We must be doing something right because whether in person or by IM or cell call we end up having the same thoughts at the same time all the time.
Thank God for technology!Technology gives us the ability to be in each others lives throughout the day and night, I can't even count the number of times she has drifted off to sleep in the middle of a late night conversation, just as if she were laying right next to me:)
I was really glad to hear about this new Tango and the article about long distant relationships. Like many of us as I see reading through this web page I am not alone in this and knowing there is support out there is comforting. The feelings are so up and down when one is far away and then the one that has been left. The times together are good and sometimes not so good as in some situations there are huge culture issues depending on where your loved one is living. The both of you are going through many of the same feelings but at different times. I would like to see more information on the "how to's" suggestions for helping all the emotional issues we who all live in the LDR are going through. I am blessed with my situation in that I see my loved one about every 3 months and of course we talk daily, text, e-mail etc...BUT the hard part is the leaving each time the days up to the departure and the days after are the worst feelings of can I do this X more months or years, followed by few days of sad, lonely, isolated feelings, tears and then the pulling yourself back up out of the sad pit and focus on the next time to see eachother , continue the phone calls, try to do more romantic things if possible with the distance and finally just kn ow it is OK to cry it's OK to feel sad and that this must be shared with your loved one. How can this carefully thought out plan to be apart for wonderful oppurtunities end up causing so many tears? of course no matter how you thought you two would be fine, albe to get through anything after a marriage of 6+ years, the curve balls keep coming all wrapped up in increased anxiety, feelings that question all the plans you both made before the LDR started at times all seem to be changed and the end goals are forever changing and causing much confusion. In conclusion I would like to say that this new Tango would be on my table monthly if there continued to be information on LDR and all the issues surrounging it and ways to work harded, useful tools to help increase intimacy, romance, trust and information for both sided the person who is gone and the person who was left. Also, in day to day life how to manage as the super parent or spouse who decrease stress of" doing it all" while your loved one is miles away and all they have to deal with day to day is themselves and missing their home and loved ones. Thanks for bringing this topic to the front and as the number state of how there are so many of us in these situations all the support we can get it wonderful! Thanks again and I look forward to more information on this topic of LDR.
I have been in a LDR for almost two years. We were apart from the start. We met on a dating site and we new from the beginning. We were suppose to be. We are 8 1/2 driving hours apart. I can relate to this article: sadness, anger, depression, from leaving your significant other. I only wish there were more articles on this subject. Now at the end of this month, I have decided to leave my state and enter into his state. A big risk, I know, but I will not live in "what if's". I will always have home in my heart.
I never thought a long distance relationship was right for me until i met a great guy just traveling with a friend so she could see an old friend. Well her old friends friend and me hit it off, but through the 5 month 3.5-4 hour drive he had a drunken night and cheated, and then a month and a half later said we needed a break. Im still young but im trying to still have hope. but the article keeps my hope going thank you!
Loved this article, I've been in a LDR for almost three months now, thank goodness we are only 332.7 mile from driveway to driveway (5 hour drive). I hope that this all works out it is weird and ackward to miss someone who you've never had around all the time.
I have been in a long distance relationship for two years....with my boyfriend of just a little over two years. Yep...thats right...weve been apart since just after the start of our relationship. Think I would get used to it? Not quite. This article was exactly right with how it makes you feel. For a while, I just went along with it, when we left I would cry and he would laugh at my crying, but being apart wasnt so horrible. Today, I cant sleep, and quite frankly Im depressed. I try to keep myself occuipied and to make the most of my life here in the moment, but the truth is, there is a piece missing since he isnt around. We call each other at least once a day, but its still hard to imagine what his life is like, and to hear him get excited about something, and know i cant be there to experience it with him. I think thats the hardest part, knowing that you arent really a part of their here and now, those moments. youre the phone call when the moment is over. This article hit the mark with my feelings, and its just great to know that I am not alone in this, and that what I am feeling is normal.
When I saw the segment about Long Distance Relationships on the Today show, I had to check out this article. I am currently in a new LDR. I am originally from Vermont and just moved down to Raleigh, NC one week ago. I have been with my boyfriend for exactly 2 years, the first of which was spent apart as I was in my senior year at UConn and he was still living in my hometown in VT. After graduation, I moved in with him with the plan of starting our lives together as a "real" couple. The last year has been bittersweet for me. While I love living with my bf and spending time together on weekends, I was suffering separation anxiety from school! I missed all the craziness, friends, and spontaneity of school. When I was in college, I felt so free, like I could accomplish anything. Living with my bf in a small town, I felt anything BUT free. I had no friends (all my friends from high school had long since moved away) so I became dependent on my bf and his friends for a social life. But hanging with them made me feel like an outcast. My bf is 9 years older than me so all his friends are married/divorced with children and careers. I felt like such a baby around them all because babies are nowhere in my immediate future and I have no clue about a career. Suddenly I felt totally inadaquate, where only a few months ago I was flying on the top of the world. I had to get away. So I applied and was accepted to a school down here in Raleigh and will begin working on my 2nd degree this fall. My bf can't get over the fact that I chose a school so far away. He was happy in our little day to day routine. I love and adore my bf and can't imagine spending my life with anyone else but I couldn't live the domestic life just yet. I felt so jealous of my friends who were out living and experiencing new things. I knew I had to do something outrageous or I'd never recover. Now we're a week into this new LDR and so far it's been rough, as expected. I'm lonely and I miss him but I'm also excited about living somewhere new and meeting new ppl. He's depressed and tells me how lonely and distracted he feels. He hates being home alone after work without me to welcome and comfort him after a stressful day at the office. Then again he says he hates to go out with his friends because he feels like he's the only one without a girlfriend. How do I help him overcome those feelings? Inside I know that we will get through this. It's only 3 years til I graduate and then I can go to graduate school somewhere closer. But he just see's everything so negatively. 3 years sounds like an eternity to him. I would've loved for him to come with me but he's just stubborn. He's planted his roots and his whole network's at home in VT. Emotions are running high for both of us right now and there's no easy way to relieve it. We both quietly resent each other for the situation but know that out of no fault of our own, we are 2 very different people, with very different goals, in very different phases of our lives. How can 2 people who are so different love each other so much? How will we ever make this work?
MSNBC got my attention: Interesting touchy topic. I can find myself in your text.
2 first years we lived together, did EVERYTHING together. Now past 2 years we have been together only summers and 1 month in winter. Missing gets worse every single time. Many nights I can only sleep the phone on my ear him talking me to sleep. Our daughter looks just like him and makes me miss him even more. I miss him when I sleep, I miss him when I cook, walk, go grocery shopping, weekends are the worst. We in Finland, he here in MD. Hopefully only one more year left.
Interesting article...It's where I'm at...3 days ago
I became half of a long distance relationship. This helped me understand what to expect, and I never knew there were so many people in this same situation. Technology will help buffer the distance
for now....curious to know the experiences of others.
It was great to see an article which reflects my current relationship. I've been involved with my boyfriend for a year-and-a-half. He lives in rural Vermont, while I reside in the Big Apple! It's been challenging, to say the least, but because we are both committed to making it work, our love for one another continues to deepen and grow!
I could stand for a more practical application of "How To" and "Things to try"; contained in this article. LDR couples could always use more tools to enhance and prolong a lasting union. Without these aides and suggestions, this article is ment only for those LDR's 'making it work' instead of the Millions who are 'struggling to make it work.'
Thank you so much for this article! I am in a long distance relationship (for almost a year) and was beginning to think we were the only ones on the planet! This article is insightful, educational, and helpful! Thank you for addressing a variety of couple "issues"!
I've been dating a woman who lives in San Francisco; living in New York, I had escaped an awful engagement to a woman who lived less than an hour away, and despite my best intentions of not wanting to be involved with someone who lived outside Manhattan, we decided to start "dating." We've been together for 20 months, and without her ability to travel to NYC frequently, it would be incredibly tough -- but incredibly worthwhile. I'm amazed at how the little things in life -- touches, glances and sounds -- work so perfectly when we're together in person -- and how those things are replaced, as you indicated, by various replacement techniques, like quick instant-messages, phone calls and e-mails. Those latter replacements are a pale substitute, but serve to keep our flame going and remind us how much we mean to one another. And while it's tough keeping it going, we're moving in together -- in NYC -- in June of next year, and in the meantime, enjoy what we're experiencing now and anticipating our future -- our daily future -- together. Thanks for a great article :)
I agree with a lot Mary said in this article. I am in a LDR at this moment and have been for 18 months because my significant other is in the Marines. He has been in Japan and we know all about the phone bills and frequent email checking. Although we have spent most of our relationship apart we are much closer than most of our friends whom live together. We see each other once a year and now he'll be gone to Iraq for 9 months so our LDR just gets challenged every year. Japan was hard enough but Iraq should really test our commitment and love for each other. He's a great man and "we" are a great couple but this article said it all. Staying in touch with daily life activities is so important.
I love this article... my boyfriend and i had a LDR for two years and i finally decided to move from california to florida with my things, my car,my dog and leave my friends and family behind to see what this relaiionship could evolve to. Its been a month and trust me ive thought of moving back. Its hard but i think this had been the best descision for us.
