An extremely detail-oriented person, I always follow your directions to the letter. So last week when my hombre and I began our regularly scheduled Sensual Time with full-body massages, we used the kumquat-eucalyptus oil featured in your May issue. The oil may have been partly to blame for what happened next, but I would also strongly advise your readers to undertake a course of stretching before attempting the "Enhanced Alpine Cowgirl" position featured on page 45 of your Extreme Summer Fun issue.
As instructed, I was riding my hombre in the reverse cowgirl position, pinching his left big toe with my right hand and reaching around with my left hand to stimulate his sensitive perineal area while yodeling at the top of my lungs in order to optimize my breathing. But just as we began to glimpse its shimmering apex around the corner, our lovemaking came to an unwelcome climax—a massive spasm that nearly dislodged one of my vertebrae. I was forced to take two personal days to recuperate, and, needless to say, my hombre’s manhood withered like a leaf of lettuce in the noonday sun.
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I was still dedicated to mastering each and every position in the issue, but a mutual outbreak of hives the following day curtailed our scheduled activities even further. My hombre would not even attend Sensual Time yesterday, even though our skin has mostly healed and I am able to walk around without assistance.
Your September travel issue arrived today, but we’ve put off trying the "Airborne Ninja" and the "Tandem Bicycle Blowout" until next month. I fear we might be suffering from a crisis of confidence. Any recommendations?
Cowgirl Gone Mild
Dear American Vixen,
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My guy and I are creatures of habit, and though we're mostly pretty comfortable, I sometimes sense that he's getting a little bored. So when I saw your article on role-playing for long-term couples, I thought it might be worth a try. I decided a realistic portrayal would be all the more erotic; why play an inauthentic French maid when I could observe my next-door neighbor, M., a genuine French female, up close?