Black And Female: Destined To Be Single?
Why marrying within your race is bigger than black and white.
Is there a crisis in black relationships? Despite millions of examples of loving couples, black women and men still have negative perceptions of each other. As a successful black woman in her 30s, marriage is on my mind. So I set out to find out where these perceptions came from—and if they are true.
Donna L. Franklin's 2001 book, What's Love Got to Do with It?, shows that 7 out of 10 black mothers give negative messages to their daughters about black men. Did my mom give me negative messages about black men? No, she didn't have to. I got them from watching my parents' relationship.
My father was a "player" proving his manhood through multiple families and women as so many West Indian men of a his generation did. My father's philandering definitely had an impact on how I viewed men in general and black men in particular: They were duplicitous, cheaters, liars who used black women, really all women for their own needs and egos. I would see this again when my brother cheated repeatedly on his wife and then left her for—you guessed it—a white woman. This is probably why I'm still unmarried, that and because I can't seem to find any black men to date in my social circle. Interracial Romance: Is Love Colorblind?
As a successful black woman in corporate America I had a very hard time finding black men who understood and weren't intimidated by my busy lifestyle, weren't already dating or married to white women and who weren't gay. When I left the corporate world, and moved to black-man-friendly Brooklyn, I had a much easier time finding black men, unfortunately far too many of them were players. I'll admit though, I'd often choose a "bad boy" over a good prospective partner and have a bad experience, which then created a bad perception. That said, it seemed the odds were often stacked against me: 9 out of 10 times, the good-looking, smart, articulate, cultured black men I met were in multiple relationships, or either had a girlfriend or were married and "forgot" to tell me. In fact, had it not been for the tattoo of his wife's name on his arm, I might not have known that the last man I was out on a date with was married.
My own experiences aside, harmful media stereotypes of black people don't help. Negative images of black men, and black families are presented as the norm on an almost daily basis. Often prejudiced and manufactured statistics depicting disproportionate numbers of black men in prisons and numerous single mother or broken homes continue to show blacks in a negative light. Harmful stereotypes of black women by black men as being "aggressive," "harsh," and "hard" haven't helped black relationships either. But when did black men and black women become frenemies? When did splintering off to date outside the race, looking for a successful partner anywhere but within black America and proliferating the myths that black men are "players" and black women are "emasculating" become the norm? Stereotypes About Black Relationships
Discussion
This opinion expressed by a lot of black women is killing our culture. But dont get me wrong, men have a HUGE role in this as well. I dont have a problem with interracial couples at all. I have a problem with Black men and Black women who specifically choose someone on their race period, We as black people have become our own worst enemy. We are killing each other at an astounding rate. We complain about the man(white people) and yet we do more damage to each other these days than the white populace could ever inflict on us. Shooting each other over the color of our shoelaces. You see.... I grew up in a different era when black people used to wave at each other and had some emerging pride in who we were as a people. My how times have changed. Now it is all about me and getting paid. This attitude has wormed it's way into relationships between Black men and women. It is a shame that we dont seem to have the guts to criticize what we know is wrong. Bill Cosby was right! You have the media shoving down our throats what the ideal ideal woman is 24 hrs a day. Need I remind any black person that rarely includes the your sisters and mothers! No my people. Black women are thought of as trampy, angry and slutty. Black men are portrayed as sex demons who only care about how many women they have and their so called prowress in the sack. This is simple pandering by this culture in America. I would ask anyone to tell me of a black woman who doesn't look like a dark skinned european who is considered in this country to be beautiful. Oh... You have many so called black women they call beautiful , but take a look at what they really look like. DARK SKINNED Europeans! If that black woman has truly dark black skin, thick lips, Large posterior....they are portrayed as trampy. But if they look like Halle Berry who is a beautiful woman but in no way representative of any true black woman I have ever seen, they can be name one of the worlds most beautiful women. In fact , most of the mainstream beautiful black are half white and not in anyway representative of what a true black woman looks like. We are being indoctrinated to belive that you cant have black features to be that beautiful black man or woman and cant as a people see the forest for the trees. So very sad to watch the demise in this country of the oldest race (Africans) on earth. Not superior to any other race , but simply where everyone came from! The battle between Black men and women is the result of us not seeing each other for the incredible things we bring to each other.The person who started this thread ( regardless if it was a man or woman ) should stop this kind nonsenical nonsense and start looking to find a way to heal, rather than to divide based on their experience and biases.If the person was intersted in healling this growing divide .....they would cease with such useless and divisive topics and would have done something completely opposite of this damaging thread and wrote instead how black men and women can heal rather than the growing chasm between us....
Thanks for this blog post. I'm sure it wasn't easy to write.
Ok, here I go:
Your brother, like any child, learned from your parents what relationships were supposed to be like. I dunno if either he or your dad fit this bill but some guys are not relationship guys no matter how much they may want to be. I've met a few and they cause even more heartbreak for women then players do because they're not hip to what it is they're really looking for. Or they're in some cultural or social trap that won't allow them to admit it. Or they're from a culture that completely condones that kind of behavior but now find themselves in an environment that sees things differently.
Questions:
If the goal of a relationship is to achieve more than you could alone (children, finances, whatever), then how does, "... man I consider my equal in many ways, but with whom I struggle daily to make the relationship work", "Some days it's hard even to communicate" even remotely sound like the road to happiness? Don't wishful think yourself into more trouble than you need.
If your friend DATED A LOT of black men then she was obviously selecting men, in general, who were not the relationship building type irrespective of race. Sounds like everyone involved was just getting together to "tap dat". Otherwise known as serial dating. Do you have anecdotes from white friends who are MARRIED to a black man and what's that kind of guy like?
Also, you're trying to find a relationship guy in Brooklyn? Is that the Brooklyn that's right next to the notorious dating shark tank called Manhattan? You think that behavior stops at the river crossings? Ahem, you may need to broaden your geographic focus.
Lastly, "After all, it was the same strong, independent type of black woman who'd successfully raised many of our black men, and often alone." - You are perpetuating a myth AND you're the one complaining about how these dudes turned out so how successful was this really? IF these black women were really strong and independent then why would they have completely taken themselves out of the dating game? To avoid attracting a similar mate? Does that make sense? In their own controllable universe these women can inflate their self-worth and act like the be-all, end-all to their kids and give them unreal expectations of how to be, and what to expect from, an adult female when they grow up. Women believe in lots of myths that lead them to getting played. Just be you and be real.
Dear, dear Carol,
PLEASE do not marry this man.
He's basically told you he doesn't want you, that white women are "easier", that he's unwilling to work on this relationship. From what you've written in this post, you've admitted that you haven't resolved your issues with the poor role model your father set for you and that you're valuing "blackness" and "bad boy charm" above the qualities that will make for stable, loving relationship.
Marriages work when the partners have common ground and a rock bottom friendship with each other. Why friendship? Because love and passion wax and wane. If you and your fiance are having trouble during the engagement period, trust me, things WILL get worse.
Instead, you have to work on You. You have to understand where your notions of manhood come from and be willing to re-think them. You have to make a careful list of what you really want and expect from your life partner... and then NOT ACCEPT anything less. And, I think you have to be willing to consider the possibity that your ideal man may come in a shade other than brown. The ugly truth is that black women outnumber black men across the board-- and if you're a professional woman looking for the same education and income in your spouse, there is an even greater number disparity. Some experts estimate the ratios to be 10:1 for professional black women to black men in certain cities. Not good odds. The result is what economists call "market failure": black women are too plentiful in the black marriage market and consequently undervalued.
I'll be discussing this more on Deborah Cooper's survivingdating.com radio show Saturday Nov. 21. Here's the link:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/askheartbeat/2009/11/22/Why-Black-Women-Sho...
Interracial relationships are one solution to market failure... but so is refusing to settle. If enough black women choose either option, things will change. I hope you will become one of them. I really, really do.
It wasn't my intention to join this discussion, but after reading some of the comments, I had to.
First of all the blame doesn't entirely lie with black men; black women have problems also! The stereotypes need to stop! This is a major part of the problem with just being a black person in this country! Our media sends every negative image, message, and view of the black race. In many ways were viewed as sub-human animals, not worthy of respect, value, second chances, opportunity or pride.
There are currently several movies that view black women as creatures, and it angers the Hell out of me! I'll only acknowledge 2, Precious, and Good Hair! Neither of these movies open doors to understand black women as human beings, nor do they give anyone the view that we would make suitable partners. I'm sorry, but Tyler Perry needs to be stopped in his tracks. He's made a large fortune by showcasing the dysfunctions of black culture! It makes me sick! Not all black families are ghetto sewer rats. Many of us are educated, know our fathers, and haven't seen a police station as a criminal!
Many black women in the U.S. are loud, vulgar, dramatic, curse like sailors, overweight, unfeminine, uncultured, poorly groomed, and have no concept of birth control! If I were a man, these would not be the qualities that I would want in a partner, none-the-less a wife!
Of course not all black women fit these stereotypes, like all black men don't fit the descriptions the author provided! Regardless of ethnic background, we live in a culture where many women are desperate to have a man, any man.
The truth has not been told by anyone. Let's be honest, in the U.S. white women are the pinnacle of beauty, sexuality, desire, and preferred by most men. I wish that people would stop making the black-to-white comparisons, this country has never been just black and white, never! Yet, the truth is this, unlike other ethnic groups, the black race is the only one where black males aren't the leaders of their community! Other ethnic groups notice this!
Unlike other women, interracial relationships aren't a practical solution for black women! Most black women want black men, and the vast majority of non-black men aren't attracted to black women beyond intercourse! Most non-black men won't think of black women when thinking of marriage or the mother of their children!
What kind of Blacks are we talking here, African, American, Jamaican? All three come from different cultures. You being in corporate America would make you see things perhaps just a litle differently. A male Black from the same upper limits also might share you view to some extent, but your view is only stereo-typing but coming from a Black woman this need to be heard. No people can improve upon themselves if they can't critique themselves.
As a black man I must admit that I have been a victim of stereotypical thinking. For whatever reason black women expect a black man to have 'swagger' and a certain type of style. Either they want you to be a fake thug, or an uptight pencil pusher. On top of that, they want you to be an Alpha-male. I am an extremely nice guy, however, that works against me. Nevertheless, based on my observation sistas will date a nice white guy (maybe because they have good credit) and praise him for his kindness. But they make it seem as though a brotha with a kind heart is an abomination. I think that as black people, we are our biggest enemy. We have such negative perceptions about our own people. Why do we categorize our own people. That is the same thing that whites do to us. We are all individuals. I have been hearing alot of sistas say “I’m tired of these black men”. I’m thinking what the hell...so all of sudden white men are saviors for the professional, intelligent and articulate sister. That’s bullshit. If you meet someone and there is chemistry, halluejah. However, sisters need to understand that they are not perfect just because their credit is good and they are making between 40,000 and 80,000 dollars. Like the one sista said, as long as the brother is actually working on something that is what matters the most. The reason why the professionals have alot of relationships is simple: sistas are blinded by his success. I have a friend that is a doctor and he has five women that know about each other, what’s sad is that they put up with it with no remorse. There will be few lonely sistas if they learn to look at the heart and not the credit score.
"I'll admit though, I'd often choose a "bad boy""
That one comment sums up why any female would not be able to find a suitable partner. This "black men are only after white women or they are players" is not true and usually comes from those women that are blinded by what their friends say, or these women are not very proactive in their search for a decent man period. What separates the "bad boy" from the "nice guy" is that the bad boy is more proactive while the nice guy stays waiting and observing.
Personally I can't relate or feel sorry for any woman that feels this way towards black men or any men in general. It's simply naive and racist.
Okay so I see a lot of people are mad at the woman for what she wrote but I see where she is coming from. For a long time I thought the same way. I felt most black men were players, were baby-daddy to lots of kids, gay, or really full of themselves. And as long as I felt that way I attracted those kinds of men.
Until one day, I said, what if I start changing my way of thinking and think to myself, my father was a really good black man? He loved my mom and was with her until death did them part, he's been a wonderful dad to me and has helped many friends of ours whose dads were absent and family members who didn't see dads. So I thought well, there's got to be some good black men out there. Not everyone are cheaters, liars, players, gay, or egotistical. And when I decided to embrace black men for the positive traits they have, that's when I found a fantastic lifemate.
He is kindhearted and sweet. He only wants to see me be happy. He says that's one of his main goals in life is to make me happy. He's not just the holy grail of black men (although I love him dearly and he is wonderful). He's not the only one like this out there. There are many wonderful black men out there but black women need to see it. We need to be more optimistic and open to the type of men we will date. The man doesn't always have to drive a BMW or a Mercedes to catch our hearts. He doesn't have to be 6'2" and the CEO of a fortune 500. Can't the man be maybe a little heavy but have a heart of gold? Or maybe he's driving a Honda from 1985 but he's ambitiously saving money to go to Law School. I think we need to change our way of thinking.
I was a good, loyal black man for years, and people always went for the players. Stop degrading your own race and take responsibility for your own life. "Harmful media stereotypes don't help?" THIS ARTICLE doesn't help. If you think you did anything to help the "plight" of black folks--men or women--you're sadly mistaken.
I hate to sound nasty, but it's how I feel.
Anyway, regardless of what colour you are, no man can resist a perfect 0.7 hip-to-waist ratio and a radiant smile. If you eminate these things and a friendly personality, they're putty in your hands and you'll never be single if you don't want to be. Take it from someone who knows. Go to the gym. Read; explore your world; make yourself an interesting person, the kind of person YOU would love to know. Spend time on the little things like your hair and makeup. Laugh. Flirt. Be carefree. But value yourself and your health; be responsible. It's good advice for women of every race in attracting love.
I'm pretty, black, and not even CLOSE to being single. My boyfriend is so good-looking that we went out on Saturday night and the female bartender, a blonde, bought HIM a drink. He was like, "AWESOME. FREE BOOZE." lol.
If SOME black women have a harder time out there in the dating market it's probably because of the barrage of negative media proganda like this and ridiculous stereotypes like the ones propogated by Jant Jackson (wtf??) Tell me, when was the last time YOU went on a date? LMAO
Because We are tirde of black men playing game with us we don't have time for that why we are single now becauce men are dog
I think the key thing is being willing to wait for that right person. I believe there are quality people in all races but the key is finding that certain special someone happens at different points in life for everybody. Don't rush yourself no matter what age you are and don't think that there are not quality people within whatever race you find attractive. You may go along for years thinking that there is nobody out there who is right for you and then suddenly BOOM that person can walk into your life at a moments notice when you least expect it.
I'm still single but I remind myself of that and I do believe that one day I will meet that special someone also. Stay positive and trust that God has that right person for you.
