Stop Blaming Your Divorce On Your Children
How to make sure your kids get through the divorce in one piece.
antoniodiaz | Shutterstock I often hear parents blame their children's adjustment issues on "the divorce." I see divorcing couples involving the children inappropriately in their conflict or giving the kids too much information on the demise of the marriage. Speaking with parenting expert Dr. Michele Borba on helping children cope with divorce brought several valuable takeaways — focus on the children; leave your baggage at the door; and create new traditions.
When I guide my parent clients through the process of divorce, I remind them, "Your children take their cue from you!" If you can manage yourself, your children will be fine. Alternatively, if you are emotionally disconnected, needy, or erratic and there isn't predictability and structure in your home, then your children cannot develop the resilience they need to adapt to a changing family system. If you are a parent who is divorcing, keep these three key concepts in mind.
Here are 3 keys to parenting through divorce, for your children's sake:
1. It's not about you
The marriage was about you, your family, and your life with your partner. Now that the marriage is dissolved, it's about the children. Find ways to manage your feelings of hurt, anger, and abandonment appropriately. Seek help, living in a state of anger only makes things more uncomfortable for everyone.
2. Parenting through divorce is a marathon, not a sprint
Building new traditions and new family relationships takes time. While it isn't an overnight process, the key is keeping the game plan in mind. Know what values you want to instill in your children and give it a couple of years to balance out. Think about when they are adults. Will you be able to turn to them and say, "We did the best we knew how, for you."
3. Please remember, intact families "screw up" children, too
Frequently, I see parents gain personal satisfaction in the form of righteous indignation when the children express concerns over divorce and blending families. Families that aren't divorced also experience conflict, disconnection, and communication issues. Divorce seems to be the "get out of jail free" card for some parents—they can blame difficulties on one major life change. However, children in divorced families can be just as happy as those in intact families. They just need to be allowed to grieve, adapt, and then be allowed to thrive. Divorce is difficult, but it doesn't have to keep hurting everyone. By moving forward in a healthy, healing way, your kids can adjust and bounce back. Let the legacy of your family be happiness, not brokenness. If you are having trouble doing that on your own, then seek help from a family therapist or divorce coach.
Teresa Petersen Mendoza was a marriage and family therapist as well as a divorce recovery coach.