How A Dating Expert Dates Online
Have you ever wondered how a dating expert handles dating online?
Here are 3 stories of online dating experiences I've had over the past few years.
The first bachelor was Mr. āKā.Ā At the end of the first date, he walked me to my door, gave me a hug and said, āCall meā.Ā Five minutes after we said goodbye, he called to say he wanted to make sure I got in safely. He also said he had wanted to kiss me. Aaahā¦..
When we went on our second date a week later, I found that I was starting to like him. Whatās not to like - he laughed at my jokes and said I was gorgeous. At the end of the evening, he gave me two light kisses on the lips and said, āI know youāre very busy tomorrow, but Iām going to call you anyway.ā I never heard from him again, until...I put my profile back up three weeks later and he sent an email.
Here is a part of his email:Ā How have you been? Havenāt heard from you in a while. Guess you forgot about me.Ā He also left a phone message 20 minutes after he wrote the email. I ignored both the email and the phone call. I was interested in Mr. āKā but I was not going to put myself in the position of getting close to someone who was able to disappear for no apparent reason. Turns out Mr. āKā was not so āSpecialā.
WHAT HE DID WRONG:
1. Saying he would call the next day and not following through: If he had simply said, āIāll call youā and then not called for 3 weeks, itās possible I would have called him back. We had only gone on 2 dates and if he didnāt want to call for 3 weeks, thatās fine. However, when he didnāt keep his word, I no longer trusted him.
2. Trying to put the blame on me for being not being in contact with him. Sure, he may have been joking. He knew he messed up and was hoping I wouldnāt say anything. If he had kept it real, and admitted making a mistake, the possibility existed that I would have given him another chance.
3. Contacting me just because I put my profile back up.Ā I donāt think itās a coincidence that he decided to get in touch with me within 24 hours of my profile being back up. If he was really interested in reconnecting with me, he had 3 weeks in which to do it in, but he didnāt.
The next bachelor was Mr. A.Ā We had a great first conversation on the phone ā he loves to talk and I love to listen. One yellow flag I noticed was that he bragged about his sexual prowess. We met for coffee and conversation flowed easily.
A few days later, he called on Saturday morning to see if I was available that afternoon to go to a high school basketball game that he was possibly thinking of going to.Ā I generally don't accept last minute dates, so I said I wasn't available.
About a week later, he called at 4:45pm to invite me to a Lakers game that started at 6pm.Ā I would have loved to have gone, but I didn't want him to think it was okay to always ask me out at the last minute.Ā I thanked him for asking but said I wasn't available on such short notice.
A few days after that he sent me a āKissā from the dating website weād met on. I didnāt respond and I never heard from him again.
WHAT HE DID WRONG:
1. Discussed sex during the first phone call and first date. Am I a prude? Hardly, but women want to be with a gentleman and thatās not how a gentleman behaves.
2. Calling at the last minute for dates. This makes a woman think he already had plans with someone else and they fell through, so sheās the 2nd or 3rd choice. If a man is interested, he will not risk the woman being unavailable when he would like to see her, and therefore plans ahead.
3. Not contacting me when I didnāt respond to his virtual āKissā.Ā At that point, I was still willing to see him again. The fact that he gave up so easily tells me his interest level was not very high, otherwise he would have tried to contact me at least one more time.
Bachelor No. 3 was someone I never actually met. Mr. āSā and I had exchanged a few emails when the caption on his profile changed to, āIām off the marketā. He wrote to me and said he wasnāt really off the market, but he didnāt want certain people (interpretation: women) calling him.Ā
I left him a voicemail with my phone number on a Friday afternoon. Friday went by. Saturday and Sunday came and went. Monday passed too.Ā 5 days later on Tuesday afternoon he sent an email saying he had been busy with work, but he was going to call soon. Okay, no problem, I thought.
Well, the planets must have changed overnight, because when I woke up Wednesday morning, I said to myself, āOh hell no!ā If Mr. āSā couldnāt find a few minutes to call in 5 days, I was out. No one it that busy. I sent him the following email, āYou donāt have to call me. Iāve changed my mind. If youāre that busy, Iām not interested.ā Donald Trump once said you can tell a lot about a person by how they behave when they lose. The response I received spoke volumes about who I was dealing with.
Mr. āSā wrote back saying work came first and if I couldnāt understand that, then we didnāt have to meet. He said he wasnāt desperate, didnāt chase females and was going to get around to me last. He also said some other things which I won't mention.
WHAT HE DID WRONG:
1. Changing the caption on his profile so that certain women wouldnāt call him: This tells me thereās drama in his life.
2. Not calling for five days: I understand that when you meet a guy in the offline world, sometimes they wait a while to call because they want to stand out and donāt want to appear desperate. However, when someone is on a dating site, they are advertising the fact that they are actively seeking someone to date. 5 days is just too much when weāre talking about internet dating, especially when 2 of those days are weekend days. This tells me he is probably already involved with someone else.
3. His response to my email: When I told him he didnāt have to call, he chose to respond from his ego. The ego speaks first and the ego speaks loudest. If he had been a gentleman and said something like, āIām sorry weāll never have the chance to meet. Good luck in your search.ā thereās a possibility I would have been willing to give him a second chance. Instead, in choosing to send a vitriolic response, he confirmed that Iād made the right decision.