10 Ways To Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Dates (And Get A Great Guy)

All too often, I see friends continually devastated by their dating experiences. It is heartbreaking to see them make the same mistakes over and over again. I see women who continually find men who, for whatever reason, never step up to treat them the way they deserve.

I realized that it had very little to do with the men, but more to do with how the women approached dating. They were too emotionally entrenched in the experience and could not see how they were creating some of the dynamics.

I myself was a victim of this until I recognized my part in this process and then I began dating and eventually married a man who treats me the way I deserve. I have identified the following rules to change the approach.

Here are 10 ways to stop self-sabotaging your dates (and get a great guy)

1. Get off the pity train

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Let go of the self-defeating thoughts holding you back. How fun is it to hang out with someone who only puts themselves down?

If men aren’t interested in you, it probably isn’t because you aren’t a supermodel, it is probably because they can see how you feel about yourself. A person with confidence seems to love life. They don’t complain about themselves.

It is a much more pleasant experience! If you don’t feel confident, fake it until you do. You will probably see a difference in how people interact with you.

2. Never cry about a boy

I mean it. NEVER cry about a boy! They aren’t worth it.

Sure, there are some jerks out there. Don’t give them your power by allowing yourself to feel bad. My advice? Get mad. Start standing up for yourself.

I believe that we train people how to treat us. If you can work on your assertiveness and confidence, you will find a relationship with someone who respects you. Until then, it will just be the same guy with a different name.

3. Keep an air of mystery

This is a big one. We all have baggage. Some of us have BAGGAGE. Throughout a relationship, your significant other will learn more about you. Until that point, don’t overshare.

This is a common mistake women make. Especially when we feel insecure, we tell people way too much about us. Because we share so much about our thoughts and emotions with each other, we tend to do this too much with men in the beginning.

4. Only put in 30 percent effort

This sounds harsh, but it is true. The feminists are going to hate me on this one, but I think “I am woman, hear me roar” has done us a disservice in the dating department.

Think about it in mathematical terms, if you put in 100 percent effort, how much is left for him to give? Honestly, when it comes to dating, less is more. The less effort you put in, the more he has to come forward.

This becomes a diagnostic of how invested he is in you. If he doesn’t come forward, run, do not walk. If he is putting so little effort into your dating relationship, what will happen once he gets comfortable?

5. Make him come to you

This is especially true for the first few dates. If you go to his house on the first date instead of him coming to pick you up, I have two words for you: booty call.

If he isn’t willing to invest the energy to at least come pick you up and have something planned for the evening, just say no. If he asks you to come to him and has no game plan, he is just looking to hook up. A man who genuinely wants to spend time getting to know you will put in the effort.

6. Never see him with less than 7 days notice

OK, this isn't a concrete rule, but the point is that you should not accept a date on Wednesday or Thursday for that weekend. You are a busy woman.

He needs to plan if he wants your time. Men are excited by the thrill of the chase. They want a woman who is a bit of a challenge. They, of course, won’t readily admit to this. Just like with children who will tell you they don’t want rules, but they function much better and are happier with them.

7. Never call him unless returning a call

Don’t be clingy. I can’t emphasize this enough. Men will easily get turned off by a woman who calls or texts too much. It is overwhelming and can end a relationship before it starts.

After your relationship is more established, call him, but still limit how much you call. He is not a girlfriend with whom you should spend hours on the phone. If he has hours to spend on the phone, he can use the effort to see you.

8. Never return a call or text immediately

Remember, you are busy, busy, busy. Don’t sit by the phone waiting for a call or text. If this is anxiety-provoking, find some other way to spend your time.

You can bet he isn’t sitting by the phone waiting for you to call. Meanwhile, your life is passing you by. Get out there and live it.

9. Do not get physical

Hopefully, by this point, this goes without saying. For the first couple of months, you should limit your physical intimacy. We get far too emotionally attached when physical intimacy is in a relationship, but men don’t view this the same way.

When you are intimate too soon in the relationship, you are investing too much too soon. He will not respect you if you give it up too soon. Remember, men like a challenge. This, however, is not to say that they like a tease.

You need to respect your body too much not to.

10. Let go of the outcome

Let’s face it. All relationships end at some point. This is no indication of your worth as a person. It devastates so many women when a first date does not become a relationship.

They think it is because they are not pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough, or fun enough. They don’t even stop to consider whether or not they even like the guy. Date like a man. Show up, have fun, and if it works out, great, if not, on to the next one.

Michelle Lewis is committed to helping people create meaningful and lasting change to improve their health and wellness. Areas of specialty include: barriers to weight loss, food addiction, emotional eating, binge eating and compulsive overeating, as well as stress management and relationship issues.