The 3 Sexiest Words That Men & Women Love To Hear
I'm about to give you superpowers, use them responsibly.
Gpoint Studio | Canva Recently I've had the pleasure of explaining the power of great communication to several male clients. Three simple words act like magic to boost a woman's libido; it's valuable relationship advice for both men and women to understand.
A side note before I go further — when I broach this topic with clients, I always tell them I'm about to give them Super Powers (since aphrodisiacs can translate into more intimacy), so I need them to swear they'll only use this power for good. I'll say the same thing to you, my readers. Thanks in advance for your honest integrity.
One key note: These words are magic, regardless of your gender or the gender of your partner. The reason I mention men here is that they often don't realize their power, while women often learn this magic formula when they're young.
'Tell me more'
Yes, those are the three words. Not what you thought, huh? It's not something men typically say to one another, but it's something a woman enjoys hearing. Here's why:
Men generally talk to:
- Convey facts and information
- Discuss a problem they've worked on, and are now looking for input and a solution for it
Women generally talk to:
- Convey facts and information
- Explore, discover, and feel confident about what she wants to say (thinking out loud)
- Create intimacy with other people
- Find out how other people feel about them — and are feeling in general
- Process and center their emotions to feel better
Imagine a woman's stress as a full glass of water — filled to the brim with her feelings. The way most women release this stress is to talk about what's bothering them. If the stressed woman is talking to another woman, she gets lots of time to explore her feelings because the other woman instinctually knows what makes her stressed friend feel better.
If the stressed woman is talking to a man, it's often a different story. The man is probably more action-oriented (most men are). He wants to make the woman feel better so when he hears her talking about a problem, he'll most likely offer a solution. Ironically, this often has the opposite effect. It doesn't make her feel better; even worse, she might get mad.
Here's an example. Your wife/partner comes home and says, "Oh, the traffic was so awful it took forever to drive home." If she were a man, she would either be sharing the news or asking for a solution. The man's initial instinct is to either say, "Oh" as an acknowledgment or offer a solution such as "Why don't you take a different route?", "Didn't you listen to the traffic report?" or "I just drove the same way, and the traffic was fine."
Just Life via Shutterstock
For a man, these responses would work great. However, she's not a man — she's a woman. So, if you offer the above response, your wife/partner is likely to say angrily/impatiently/defensively, "You don't understand how awful it was!" "That's not helpful!" or "You're not listening!"
Her "glass" is full to the brim, and there isn't any room for a solution. Although the man intends to actively do something to help her feel better, "just listening" to her is like dipping a large spoon into the glass and taking out water. The good news is this begins to take the pressure of the stress away and is exactly what helps her feel better. The alternative to solving her problem is listening. When you speak, try saying things that express the sentiment of "tell me more," like "Hmm," "Oh my," or "Oh ya." She'll feel better and know you care about how she's feeling.
What I've just given you is undergraduate work. If you're ready for graduate work, then the process of repeating her words back will help her feel better even sooner. For example:
- She says, "My boss is a jerk." Instead of saying, "You should just quit", say instead, "I agree your boss is a jerk" (and use the same emphasis she used).
- She says, "I had to stay home all day with the kids, and I'm feeling overwhelmed." Instead of saying, "Just get a babysitter," instead say, "I see how overwhelmed you're feeling because you stayed home all day with the kids."
This reassures her you're listening and understand how she's feeling. She'll start to feel better, and she'll also feel better about you. A win-win. The ultimate goal is for the woman to have the chance to empty her "stress" glass. When the man listens and empathizes, she starts to feel better.
Typically, when a woman has emptied her stress-filled glass, she'll say, "Thanks, I feel better," and she's often ready to move on to other topics. Or she'll say, "Thanks, I feel better, and what do you think I should do about my horrible boss?" Then, you get to give your great advice! At that point, she's ready and willing to hear it, and she'll be appreciative. As an additional bonus, when a woman feels cared about they often are interested in connecting on an intimate level.
A tip for women who are reading this — if you'd like your man to just listen and not offer an immediate solution:
- Take a moment to explain to your partner you need to talk.
- Tell him you'll appreciate it if he can just listen.
- Explain that if he doesn't interrupt, you'll feel better.
- When you're done, thank him for listening, and express how much better you feel.
For the men reading this, there's an additional benefit of listening. Along with relieving her pressure and helping her feel better, you don't have to keep thinking about a solution to her problem while she's talking. You can relax and just listen (I know, I know — easier said than done). Treat this like any muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets, and the better you get at it (and remember the bonus).
Christine Baumgartner is a dating and relationship coach. If you're feeling stuck, check out the What's Holding Me Back From Love survey on her website.